A space big enough for all to be heard and safe for all to speak without fear

This week, our guest blog is by Dr Nontando Hadebe of St Augustine College, Johannesburg. Nontando is currently doing research as Fulbright Scholar-in-Residence at Emmanuel College, Jesuit School of Theology of Santa Clara University, California.

As I reflected on what to share in this blog on women’s responses to the teachings of the church on the family, there was a conflict going on within me. My mind wanted to go straight to the issues and systematically discuss each one but my heart was saying something completely different. My heart raised issues related to the process and framework within which this conversation is taking place - simply put, whether the voices of the poorest women are included together with the voices of the educated.

This initiative by women needs to create a new culture of intentional inclusion that creates a safe place for all voices, dissenting, conservative, poor, rich, black, hispanic, Asian and white. Let us in our process initiate a new culture, a different way that includes all.

In our discussions let us draw in the voices of those whose experiences of family and relationships do not fit into the ideal of the nuclear family, as well as those for whom the nuclear family is a source of life and those for whom it is has represented an encounter with ‘hell’ in the form of abuse and violence. These voices are necessary so that the nuclear family as an ideal co-exists with the reality of family as creative spaces where people form communities of love, support and solidarity. For what else did Jesus mean when he spoke about those who followed him by leaving the confines of the nuclear family?

Truly I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or farms, for My sake and for the gospel's sake, but that he will receive a hundred times as much now in the present age, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and farms, along with persecutions; and in the age to come, eternal life (Mark 10: 29-30).

We need narratives from: 

• grandmothers who nursed their adult children and watched them die of AIDS and were left to care for 10-20 orphans - how they created a family for their grandchildren, whom they fed and sent to school and who have become responsible citizens
• survivors of domestic violence who left the nuclear family in order to create safe environments for themselves and their children
• survivors of rape in war zones who are raising children who remind them of their brutal conception
• thriving nuclear families where wife and husband are equals
• single parents choosing to raise their children due to circumstances beyond their control
• poor and unemployed men who are not able to establish or sustain a family
• childless couples
• divorced persons
• widows and widowers
• homosexual partnerships
• people with disabilities

Let our process be a coming home for those broken by the ideals of the ‘nuclear family’ or unable to make these work but who despite limitations have raised children who are healthy and well adjusted. Let us allow ourselves to be surprised and open to new forms of family that are responsive to reality: new forms of family where community and individuals in their different relationships are connected because it takes a ‘village to raise a child’.

The current realities that keep parents working long hours away from home require community members, the elderly and others to parent alongside parents. The nuclear family cannot survive without community in many parts of the world. Models of relationships that promote equality, unity, interdependence and community are needed to nurture and sustain good relationships within and outside the family.

Lastly, ‘male care’ is critical for the church in its endeavour to strengthen the family. The vulnerability of males is a subject of interdisciplinary scholarship as males continue to dominate in violence, substance abuse and suicide. Further the low attendance of men in churches should be the main focus for the church in the 21st century. The Catholic church is well poised for this because as a male dominated institution it should theoretically have no problem filling up the churches with men and relating to men. The fact that this is not happening and the church is not an option for many men has to be a matter of grave concern because it means that the gendering of the faith is not working for both women and men.

Listen to an interview with Nontando where she discusses her research and her passion for theology.